Friday, April 17, 2015

Ch Ch Ch Chaaaanges...



"Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action"
            -Benjamin Disraeli


If you saw my Instagram yesterday (@Raalph120 Follow me!) you know I'm making a big change. For the last few years, it's been no secret that my life has revolved around my job.  I've missed countless family events, birthdays, weddings, even just simple nights out (or in) with my friends all for the sake of my job. A job that has just about killed my soul & made me question myself & what I believe in. Have I made these sacrifices because I'm ambitious & I want a successful career? Have I stayed for so long because I truly believed in the work I was doing? Or because I was terrified about being unemployed again?  Well, I'm not sure. It's probably a combination of all of those. But what I do know for sure is I stuck around for fear of upsetting my bosses.  How many people are out there doing the same? But looking at the big picture should their happiness trump mine? I don't think so. (Sorry bosses, you know I love you!)

I've been really unhappy for a long time, but my pride & I guess ambition (?) have kept me from leaving. I actually did try to quit a few years back & when I walked out of the meeting with our big boss,  I left with a promotion & a pay raise.  A few years later when I REALLY thought I was going to be done, I got promoted again.  I know, I know, what the hell am I complaining about? Promotions & pay raises! Steady work in the land of cancelled television shows! Health insurance! Stop whining & grow a pair! Except, despite all those things, I was still really really unhappy.

I'd told J, my family & my friends that at the end of this season I was going to finally quit. However, I don't think anyone believed me because I've been saying this for SO long. I'm like the girl who cried quitting. So what makes this time different? Well, it hit me a few weeks ago after I just completed  working 17 days in a row.  I finally took a day off, yet I spent the entire day checking my email & feeling guilty because I was actually having a really nice day.  HELLO! THAT IS NOT NORMAL! One nice day & I felt like I didn't deserve to be enjoying it.  The sick thing? It wasn't my bosses emailing me or making me feel guilty, they actually left me alone. It was my own twisted self that made me feel this way.  After a major sob fest (sorry J) I knew I had to stick to my guns this time. No more complaining or whining. There was only one thing that would make me happy & I just needed to muster the courage to do it. It was time to quit.

And I did. And it feels AWESOME. It was a bit of a process & lots of carrots were dangled, but I knew deep down, I had to do something drastic if I wanted to be happy again because life is just too fucking short to continue being miserable.

So what's next? I have NO freaking idea & ya know what? That is OK.  To everyone in my life that has felt neglected or abandoned because I couldn't make it to something of yours due to work, I am so sorry. Will it happen in the future? Maybe. But I cannot thank you all enough for standing by me & listening to me complain for YEARS about work. I love you all. And J, you should get a trophy for all the shit you've put up with. I love you more than words could ever describe.

While I know quitting a job isn't a big deal to some people, it is to me. So let me have my moment. Bring on the funemployment. Bring on the unknown. Welcome back life.